So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
