Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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