I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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