Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
