so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
