Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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