i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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