I can tuck mytits in my pants
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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