I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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