Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
