a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
