My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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