if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize