Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
