girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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