Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
