i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
