Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Let's paint friendship bongs
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
