i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
