yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
