i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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