Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
