Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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