so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
