you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
