So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
