I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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