I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize