I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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