can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize