i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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