I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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