i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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