mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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