I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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