I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
