I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
