Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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