I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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