omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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