i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
