party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
