alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
