winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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