Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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