I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
