That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
