I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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