All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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