it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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