shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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