I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
