I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
