This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
