Where is the hickey?
My balls are so social today.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
