Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
