Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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