we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
