you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
